Casual sex vs. a serious relationship: What if you don’t want either?
Being in a long term relationship takes work. Sometimes we get bored, it's only natural but if you aren't ready to break up then here are a few. But if the phases get longer and don't seem to pass, and unsettling feelings of What is it that you want to do with your relationship; what's your ultimate goal?. You may be in love, and you may want it to work, but sometimes love doesn't conquer all. Relationships that last are built on trust and respect, and frankly.
We forgo any chance of achieving real connection by mutually playing games with no winner. We want the hand holding without the eye contact, the teasing without the serious conversations. We want the pretty promise without the actual commitment, the anniversaries to celebrate without the days of work that leads up to them. We want the deep connection, while keeping things shallow.
We long for that world series kind of love, without being willing to go to bat. We want to be swept off our feet, yet at the same time remaining safely, independently, standing on our own. We want anything that will give us the illusion of a relationship, without being in an actual relationship. We want all the rewards and none of the risk, all of the payout and none of the cost.
We want to connect — enough, but not too much.
Why you shouldn't say "I don't want a relationship right now."
We want to commit — a little, but not a lot. We take it slow: When things get too close to being real, we run. We want to keep the ugly behind the coverup, hide the imperfections with an Instagram filter, choose another episode on Netflix over a real conversation. We feel entitled to love, like we feel entitled to full time jobs out of college.
Our trophies-for-everyone youth has taught us that if we want something, we deserve it. Ask if there is any way you can help decrease her stress, and help boost her energy.
Why you shouldn’t say “I don’t want a relationship right now.”
She will eventually get so frustrated with your procrastination that she will call a plumber to have it fixed instead. In my practice, I tell women to write down a list of items that they would like done, and next to each item their partner can write down a date that they will be done by.
Men assume that their partners KNOW that they are loved.
Or KNOW that they look good in that dress. Or KNOW that their hair looks great. But men should never stop giving compliments, and making an effort to notice their partner. That way, you will remember to compliment her when you see her again.
Women also love to be encouraged by the people they love. Not to mention flirting! Make sure that you always honour the relationship between you and your partner first. Make sure that your behaviour makes her feel loved and secure.
These are all done with the best intention, but are often met with a very cold and irritable response. In my practice, I explain that men and women experience intimacy in different ways. Men need to be touched from the outside in, while women need to be touched from the inside out. Men enjoy physical contact, and being touched intimately, while women need to be in the right mental and emotional space to react positively to intimate touch. So instead of coming home and grabbing her, why not compliment her and ask her what you can do to help get dinner ready?