If you need to have a serious conversation about your relationship or It's perfectly normal to have doubts when it comes to your partner, especially if you're It's important to consider the product of your choices before doing. To put someone "on hold" in the romantic realm is to decide to would still have the option of resuming the relationship he believed was on hold. search for the best available product in town—and this search has no end. Having doubts in a relationship is not unusual - how can you ever be completely certain you're with the right person? If you believe in.
I love him a lot, we share lots of values, and sometimes I daydream about us getting married and having children. But I also have this nagging feeling that though things aren't bad, they're not good either -- that we're not close in certain ways I want to be, that I might be happier in another situation, and that because of being with him, I might be unhappy and lonely in low-grade ways.
Here's how the cycle of doubt looks. We'll be going along happily until something small will happen that sets off some doubts. With that out in the open and hopefully on the road to improvement, I'll feel closer to him, and we'll get back into our daily groove for the next three weeks or so, until this happens again. I realize relationships have ups and downs, but I'd like to keep them from rattling me so much.
I don't like feeling so unsettled, and I don't like unsettling him. I'd like to stop this cycle of doubt and either really commit to this relationship or move on. I almost posted a list of what is working well and what issues I think about when I'm freaking out there are a few that recur.
But I'd rather hear how you have sorted through doubts in your own relationships. How have you decided you could live with things as they were, solved the problems somehow, or decided to break up?
I realize it's tempting to tell me what to do "eg, you get unstuck from this cycle by breaking up"but what I'm really asking is how to figure this out for myself, how to decide to break up, or on the other hand, about how to address these doubts or leave them behind.
Thank you for reading this long question. I've been in a relationship for about two years now that was having similar problems.
We discovered that a big part of it was that we were both pretty stagnant in our lives and it was causing us to focus on how the little things in our relationship were bugging us. Since we've come up with a plan for the next few years and we're putting all of our energies into making that happen, I find that the communication just flows more naturally and I feel completely confident that I am where I want to be.
I wish I could answer your question as I have the same thoughts myself. It sounds as though you have tried talking to him about it, but have you tried couples counseling? Anyway, I wish you luck and hope you find something that works for you. But I am an old lady by most people's standards so in my defense I will say that it has helped many people, male and female, for many years. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to marry them, or stay with them forever.
We're not good at looking at where we are and asking ourselves if this person is our soul mate, or the person we're meant to be with or want to be with.
It is okay to say, "this person is totally great but he's absolutely not the one for me and this is as far as this relationship is going to go. This might be a time for you to circle the wagons and dig in for yourself. You could try and throw it out there and talk to him about it but there is a real risk there because you can't unring this bell in most cases.
You have to be reasonably sure that he will either be able to listen and work through it with you, or you will cause a break that can't be mended. I would also say that trusting yourself and listening to yourself is an important thing here.
Going with your gut. I would also suggest that it's not couple's therapy you need, but perhaps a short-term session with a therapist for yourself.
An objective professional outsider can help you think through things in a more organized way. I have been in your shoes so I do not say anything lightly.
When really I should have looked at actual problems in the relationship passive agressiveness instead of communication, etcand tried to address them. If that didn't work, then I should have looked at whether that issue was a dealbreaker. There's shades of gray there too, but it shoos the doubt away from the superficial stuff in my current situation. But, on preview it only really works if you feel good about the relationship in your gut.
Very likely wouldn't worked in my previous situation, as I was just plain unhappy. We have lots of conversations about it, both in the heat of an argument and not, that focus on explaining why we're unhappy about the situation, what changes we'd like to see, and small steps that can help us get better. I used to just assume that explaining why I was unhappy would fix the issue, but then the problems just kept coming up.
It was adding the second two steps into the conversation that really helped assuage most of my doubts about a situation. Also, I think learning that things weren't going to change immediately helped my doubts about something not spiral out of control. Problems need to be addressed multiple times before they can really be fixed. Reminding myself about this helps quiet the "we're having the same argument over and over again!
Something's wrong with this relationship! I also have more generalized doubts about the relationship that I can't tie to a certain issue.
30 Questions to Ask Yourself If You Have Doubts About Your Relationship
Sometimes I just start worrying about whether I'm as happy as I could be or what would life be like if I wasn't in a relationship right now. Sometimes they're symptoms of a specific problem, and as soon as I figure it out I talk to him about it. Other times it's just me worrying for no reason. My general approach is to acknowledge that I'm often an excessive worrier and when I'm being negative all my conclusions are going to be somewhat suspect.
So I let myself worry for a few days, look for patterns or causes, and then force myself to put it aside. In a few months I revisit the issue from a different state of mind, and then repeat the process. When I come to the same conclusion from a bunch of different emotional states, then I feel like I can be sure. It's a slow and conservative process, I admit, and probably weighted in favor of staying in the relationship. But I can be very negative and pessimistic, so it stops me from letting myself spiral out of control and doing something I'll regret later.
Wrong kind of way, as if the fact that problems crop up and have to be dealt with indicates that your relationship is somehow substandard. I would say that problems are totally normal, and the fact that you can talk about them openly and work through them suggests your relationship has a good bit going for it.
I don't like the term "soulmate" because it sounds, to me, like a unisex version of "Prince Charming;" the idea that we're all supposed to find some prefab perfect mate who will make life easy and sweet forever is just wrong. You don't find a soulmate; you find soulmate raw material, and then you have work to do. I'm not saying you should suck it up and learn to love the status quo. You may be in a rut, you may have gotten out of the habit of talking intimately with each other, you may have gotten scared of certain issues and avoided dealing with them -- I don't know.
Every long-term relationship will run into roadblocks. It's legitimate to not like every aspect of the situation, and to want some sort of change, but 'end it' is not the only way. You're reluctant to bring up little things that are bothering you. Possibly, he doesn't listen well, or you're afraid he wouldn't listen well if you did bring up the little things. The two of you can go to a therapist or separate therapists or maybe read a book and learn how to talk to each other about conflicts and fears.
The jargony name for the technique is active listening, and it works in all relationships, not just romantic ones. You could even start by going to a therapist on your own and talking about how you and your guy communicate. Not feeling free to talk about problems can make you feel like your relationship is extremely shakey, and it really doesn't take long to make it better.
It sounds like you might have a fair amount of anxiety, generally. You ruminate on negative things and your worry grows. Then the relief you feel after talking things out feels really good Anxiety isn't something you can completely banish, but therapy can help you tolerate it in important situations.
Therapy also gives you a place to bring out all the conflicting thoughts and feelings and to sort through them without dread. And he can learn how to listen without feeling like you're criticizing him. He might be the right guy for you or he might not It did for my husband and me. If yes to the last question, do you blame your significant other, whether he even realizes this is happening or not?
If any of these things are true, do you live together? This led to unnecessary cruelty on both of our parts; it's so much easier to break up when one of you has done something REALLY wrong cheating, drugs, stealing, lying, etc. It is possible to fall in and out of love. Couples do it all the time. Romance isn't daily reality; also, you're at an age where you may expect or feel pressure from others to make a decision about your relationship status or risk missing out on The One you're supposed to be with.
You can love each other without being IN love, and be best friends who live together.
This happens to a lot of couples, too. It's not uncommon to feel you're in a gray zone, and a good therapist could help you get to the bottom of these feelings. What you do NOT want to do is either of the following: Decide that, screw it, it's not going to get better, you DO love each other, and get married.
Work through any problems you might have personally, or he might have, or the two of you might have as a couple before it comes to that.
Some people get married in order to feel like they "completed the process", i. Then when it's done, and the reality sets in that you possibly married someone who is going to hold you back or frustrate you for life, you divorce, and honey, divorce SUCKS.
Begin to act out in passive-aggressive ways. Don't disappear, say hurtful things, be self-destructive, or do anything that could be construed as sabotaging the relationship.
Don't start a pattern of things that will force him to break up with you; it'll make you feel worse, even though technically he will be "the bad guy". It's not satisfying, and it could drag out over a long period of time, which leads to the kind of bitter breakup that you want to avoid at all costs.
If you feel something is wrong, address it in a way you haven't tried yet. Sometimes taking this discussion to a counselor helps you hear each other in a way you can't do on your own, you know?
I had no idea she felt this way. Sensing my conflict, she asked that I think about it and said we would talk when I saw her that summer. For the remainder of that semester, I agonized over what I should do. One night, when I was alone in my dorm room, I took a deep breath and asked myself some very important questions that I needed to answer but had been avoiding. Did I share the same feelings she had for me? Did I want us to begin dating?
By being still and questioning myself, I gained access to my inner voice, which I had been drowning out in my panic. Pursuing a relationship primarily out of fear of losing her would have been unfair to both of us, and it would have caused us to not live in truth.
That summer was difficult. When I told her how I truly felt, she was understandably hurt. However, our friendship survived because we both realized we cared enough to be brutally honest with each other, and that is rare. If you are having doubts about a relationship, please let me assure you the answers you seek are within you. You just may be allowing fear to muffle your inner voice. Please keep in mind there are no wrong or right answers, just insightful ones: Do you completely trust each other?
Are you satisfied with the intimacy you share? How often do you laugh together? Do you feel you have made personal sacrifices for your relationship, and have they been reciprocated? When you think of your partner, do you smile? Do you feel threatened when others find your partner attractive, and why?
Do you believe your partner is your biggest advocate? Do either of you dredge up resentments in arguments, and why have you struggled to let them go? How do you feel when your partner arrives home after being away? Is your partner your best friend? Is there a secret you are keeping that if your partner knew, you feel you would lose them?
Do you feel that your partner accepts you? When did you realize you had fallen in love, and how do you feel when you think about it?