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But if you really love him, you want him to be the happiest person he can be — even if that means letting him be single or be with someone else. We cannot help who we love, but we do not have to be with them. You cannot ever really belong to someone, just as someone cannot every really belong to you. Love at its simplest and purest is about wanting someone to be their best, and hoping their day is going better than yours. When you stop communicating.
A relationship will not last without communication. It might be able to drag on for a bit, but eventually it will fail. Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship, and when you stop talking, you starve it.
But it does mean that if you have a feeling, good or bad, that needs to be expressed, you express it, and you are receptive when your guy has feelings he needs to voice to you. Then I start wondering how much it would cost. When you discover that you have opposing views on sex. Only a few things are deal-breakers. Some people say that religious differences are a deal-breaker, and I do not think this is true.
Others say that different political leanings are a deal-breaker, which I do think is true — more on that later. But the one difference that I think will absolutely wreck a relationship is different views of sex. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and if you and your guy see sex differently, how can you enjoy this most base-level intimacy?
A free-love, sex-positive, sexually comfortable person will simply not be able to date someone who is sexually conservative or restrained, or who views sex through a conservative lens. There are many guys out there who think that the men who have lots of anonymous or casual sex are slutty and untrustworthy.
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Those guys are never going to be my boyfriends. I do not hold a view of sex that paints it as something only for intimate, romantic partners, and I cannot imagine dating someone who does.
When your politics are different. I will fuck a Republican guy on an anonymous hookup — at his place.
Political differences are a deal-breaker. When he hits you. I have a life policy: The minute a guy lays a hand on me, the relationship IS done, and he better get out of my sight.
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I have had too many friends who stay with abusers long after the first hit, and then that first hit becomes a kick, then a pair of hands around their neck. Being hit by the someone you thought you could trust is extremely traumatic, and there are community support groups that you should look into if this happens to you.
Do not make apologies for him or blame yourself. You are not at fault. Delete him on Facebook. Delete all his pictures. Never speak to him again and spend as much time with friends as you can in the coming months. Plan a weekly friend movie date. Have some buddies you can go out with to new restaurants. Do not isolate yourself. When the sex stops. Sex is a vital part of a relationship. Every couple goes through phases. The honeymoon phase is passionate and intense in the beginning and may last for six months to two years, and once it passes you have to re-fall in love with your partner in a different way.
This is the part where you get in sync with the routine of them and explore the intimacies and regularities of your life together. The sex can long past this point. So just to be clear: The end of the honeymoon phase does not automatically a mean a halt in sex.
Sometimes it can even spell an amp up, change, or rediscovery in your intimacy. But sometimes, months or even years later, the sex peters out. We all grow and evolve sexually, and sometimes we evolve past the interests of our partners.
You may start to go kinky and your partner is totally vanilla. You may have been a bottom and are leaning more to topping lately and your guy is unwilling to take it.
When this happens, an honest conversation with your partner is necessary. Either you will choose to open things up and explore sex with other people, or you will decide to do what I recommend, which is break up. Life is too brief and our time here too rich to be stuck in sexless and sexually unfulfilling relationships, even if the people we share them with are good and kind.
When your relationship goals are not shared. I think the best relationships happen organically, with few expectations and no pressure, but everyone has goals they want to eventually work to. Humans are not meant to stay together forever. And if boredom crept in, tough luck.
That is a wonderful feature of our modern world with its hookup apps and high divorce rate and luxury airplanes. You can always leave. When people talk about breakups, toxic relationships always come up.
A toxic relationship causes more stress than pleasure for one or both or all people involved.
The most common feature of toxic relationships: Constant arguing is unhealthy on a physical and mental level — it will make you sick. The frustrating truth about toxic relationships — and one of the things that make them so toxic — is that despite their stress, people generally have a hard time ending them. Some people get accustomed to the fighting, others are scared of being single, others feel they are obligated to stay.
None of these are true. If you find yourself in a relationship like this, there is no salvaging it. Break up as soon as possible.
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While this is not necessarily unique to gay men, a big factor can be finding time for sex, when often both partners are busy, high-level executives or professionals who work extraordinarily long hours or have jobs that require frequent travel. Household Chores— Perhaps surprisingly to a non-clinician, the issue of how to equitably and fairly divide the list of common household chores can be frequent topic in conjoint therapy.
While modern straight couples sometimes like to pretend that they are oh-so-liberated, in reality, in many or most cases, the woman is subtly expected to, and ends up doing, the majority of the household chores related to keeping things clean, organized, in good repair, supplied, delivered, monitored, and humming along in a domestic household. In couples counseling, I generally recommend that a Master List of Required Household Chores be written down, which is exhaustive and comprehensive.
Who pays the bills? Who does the cleaning? Or, who supervises the cleaning? Who mows the lawn?
Or, who pays the gardener to mow the lawn? Who supervises the gardener?
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Who changes the light bulbs? Who picks up the dry cleaning? Often, making a list and then discussing how to divide it can be a discussion at home, or in session.RECREATING CRINGY COUPLE TIKTOKS (Gay Couple Edition)
Gay male relationships where there is a parenting factor involved differ from straight relationships mostly in that same-sex parenting needs extra support. Family— In gay male relationships, the role of one of the male partners in taking care of aging parents can be an issue, similar to straight couples.
Fortunately, for most of the gay couples I have worked with, there have been surprisingly few seriously hostile in-law conflicts. More often, the son-in-law is treated as a full member of the family, which is a nice thing to be able to say about the current times we live in.
Fun— Fortunately, one huge and consistent benefit I have observed in gay male relationships over straight ones is that gay couples consistently demonstrate a youthfulness, playfulness, and sense of fun, especially with peers but also alone with each other.
While this is common to affluent gay male couples, even middle class or working class gay couples seem to have an extra sense of discovering fun, creative pastimes. Men are physically larger than women, so they can go through a lot of alcohol and food at events hence the stories of the first all-gay cruises running out of alcohol on board!
A friend of mine once said that he believed gay men had particularly-evolved critical thinking skills. While two gay men might love one another in their relationship, they will still subtly compete with one another to others, like most males in the animal kingdom. This can be a certain mutual benefit, but it can also be a source of competition or even resentment of what the other has that he lacks.
We want to make ourselves attractive to each other, but we also tend to want to be recognized and admired in our own right by others.